Loving in the Grey Areas

bnwloveDo people seriously date in college? It’s definitely a good place to meet new people but let me tell you dating in college is both a really sweet deal but it can also be really hard. I didn’t date at all in high school, so unlike many others I didn’t have any experience with guys going into college. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have my fair share of heartbreaks and crying sessions. I’ve always been an advocate for love and meaningful relationships and although some people are able to maintain relationships with their high school partners, I really didn’t think that it would be meaningful for me. Of course there were guys that I liked and guys that liked me but things never worked out. I talk about love a lot so much that I’m sure people are annoyed with me! But it’s honestly everything I live for and it’s the most important thing to me. I’m not ashamed to say that a meaningful life partnership is very important to me, if not the most important thing to me. It’s just as important to me as the rest of my goals and as you can see I’m quite ambitious. I really want to be a great mother, a great wife, and a great woman. I believe I truly fell in love for the first time more recently.

I’ve always been a big sap for love poems. I’ve written my fair share of love poems for boys who didn’t really deserve them. I don’t regret it though. I really love my capacity to love someone other than myself even if they aren’t capable of reciprocating it. I think the few things I’ve learned thus far is that you can’t change someone. Not even when a man (or multiple) tell you that you make them want to be a better person, you cannot change them. They have to want to change for themselves. They have to love you enough but they also have to love themselves enough. Many of the guys I talked to in high school told me something similar to this, but none of them were able to make the leap to be a better lover which is why it never worked out. I was willing to love them with all I had, but without it being reciprocated with the same amount of intensity, eventually I would grow tired. I would cry and cry because I didn’t understand why if I was such a good person to them, why they couldn’t love me. It was always the it’s not you, it’s me situation and that just left me feeling more like it was really just me. A couple guys even told me I don’t want to be in a relationship right now and I believed them. I cared enough about them to love them anyway because they needed it (really I needed it) and I continued to be their friend even though they weren’t a good friend to me. When they would end up in a relationship with someone else three months later, I would be crushed. So it really was me, wasn’t it? I would think. Maybe when people say, I’m not looking for a relationship, that just means I’m not looking for a relationship with you.

alex twin treeI’ve learned to be thankful for it. No matter how much I ache and cry, eventually I am able to walk away stronger and I am able to push myself forward. I’ve learned I have the ability to love someone selflessly and that’s honestly a blessing. I know that God has given me this gift to truly love someone and I don’t mean in the #relationshipgoals way people talk about on twitter. Love is a very spiritual thing to me and it moves me, so nothing can stop it. My first real love taught me how it feels to finally be loved back. I can’t explain the peace I felt. It’s honestly like feeling at home with someone for the first time, like I could finally pass away and be okay because I had felt what I had always wanted in life. It seems dramatic, but honestly it was a very real but subtle thing. It happened unexpectedly but it lasted and it still lasts. I don’t think I could ever not love him you know? There’s just something about our spirits that makes sense together even when other things don’t. We’re completely different people but no matter what way our lives split, I have faith we’ll always find our way back to each other.

I’ve learned how to love in the grey areas, through the heart ache, and through the things that don’t make sense. I’ve learned to ask God for forgiveness and for guidance, for patience and growth. I have never prayed so much in my life than I have in these last few months. Everything is a journey and I’ve learned to love myself so much more. I’ve learned to love God so much more. I don’t know what will happen in the future but I am thankful to have fallen in love with someone who was able to take care of me for a while. Things weren’t perfect by any means, but if you find someone you’re willing to grow with and that person is dedicated about growing with you, then honestly you can do anything. I believe in love and the power in it. I believe in committing to another person to make both you and the other stronger. I believe in my truth and I will live in it everyday. It’s okay to be vulnerable but be strong. Always be honest about who you are, what you need, and how you feel. If there’s someone you love and you want to work things out with, I encourage you to tell them. Do it today.

Truthfully,
Taylor

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